IDFWU

It sucks you know
Things I would say that need to be said
But wait too long for heartbreak then find myself becoming well read
Drowning in songs of love and personal vendettas
Someone else always being a step ahead with the answers that split us
Both becoming a faint thought in the back of one another's closet
A missed connection. Oh well, the loser has to turn those feelings off as if they were flowing water from faucet
Trying to make excuses as to why what could have been isn't
And how quick such a situation can cause distance
So depressing...not really because shit like this happens all the time right
Cause no one in the end really cares about anything as another cup is poured...right
I know I don't anymore haha
Cheers

So Simple...

  Memories whether good or bad can be brought back by the slightest thing. Something so simple can send you back like a time machine and remind you of a time in your past as if you were there again. It cold be in the middle of a conversation and that person that you are speaking with says something in a certain way. The faintest of smells might catch your attention such as the smell of salt coming off the water or the distant hint of smoke from a cigarette.
  Standing watching on a post alone with no sign of relief in sight, can put in you in a sort of dazed kind of state and once you have been captured by that nostalgic moment in time because of a faint scent or chill of the breeze on your face, one begins to drift in to deep thought about all the detail of that memory. If that makes any sense, I doubt it. Don't trip...I barely graduated high school with a 3.6 haha.
  Anyways...As I was standing watch I caught one of those simple triggers that would send anyone back to scenes from the past. This memory consisted of my father lighting one of his Newport cigarettes driving us to the barbershop early on a Saturday morning. I could feel the bass from the speakers on my legs and back in that white Chevrolet truck and the brisk wind against my face piercing through the opening in the window. I can taste the Mickey Ds breakfast and rubbing my oh so tired eyes. I hate this memory and then again I can appreciate it.
  All of the brief memories I have of me and my father spending any kind of time with one another have not left my mind. I don't want them to leave honestly, not because I want to go back and relive them because they ended with some form of pain and ignorance. Fuck that noise....Those memories are just a constant reminder of what kind of father I want to be and what kind of father I don't need to be. I don want to be just a brief moment in my child's life, "mistake" or not. I can say all these things about how I will be a better everything and this or that but I doubt.....Nah that doubt is dumb kid. Of course I am going to be a better everything. A main reason for that is honestly because I don't want my moms to beat my ass......True Story.

A lone wolf's struggle...

So in this post you should figure out if you haven't already is that I'm somewhat crazy but it's whatever I don't care. 

Okay so I talk to myself like anyone would and I agree and disagree with myself on things about decision and plans amongst other things. It's not like I'm a psycho or something but it's whatever. I believe there is a another part of me that coincides with the other like the story of the old man that told the story of the two wolves fighting for the warrior's soul or whatever to his son, except with me it's not just two wolves, it's a whole pack of wolves and each one has there own personality. Sometime I just can't deal and other times I will feel adventurous and test the waters. I know I have a true self, if you will, but I haven't quite found the perfect or at least the best balance of the pack of wolves that I can. It makes me incredibly infuriated that I can or I will seemingly never in the near or further future find that balance in the pack I am looking for. It's hard for to realize sometimes that I am leaning to much on one wolf than I am the others acting out of character. Sometimes being as old as I am an as young as I am I know that finding myself and complaining about Eva ry thing walks on a tight rope capable of falling to either side whether that be a road I am meant for or not, but indeed falling nonetheless. So, I don't know what is going to happen. Maybe Ill be crazy forever and end up alone in my own little wolf pack or maybe I'll rise like a Phoenix, well balanced and triumphant. Who knows except the one who holds what life I have in his hands

Im At The Edge, So Push If Would Kindly

I am at the brink. I am at the edge, right on the cusp of everything at this moment. I can physically see that the time is flying but, in my mind will all this random drama, time is non-existent. All I can do is sit here at this desk that I cannot even call my own and type this post or watch videos in order to occupy my time. These last few months have been just dragging.

A Peculiar Recollection

   The title sounds fancy, but I am just going to tell about my weird dream I had last night haha. Soo, here we go!!!
 
   My dream starts off at the regional retreat kind of deal for young adults. I was like the MC along with our local diocesan youth ministry leader. My SEARCH Retreat team and I had put it together and were hosting the regional retreat( all of us were pushing twenty-five).

(A little background first) In high school I was apart of the Diocesan SEARCH Retreat team for young adults. As we were at the meeting to get our groups and find out who we were mentoring for that weekend. There was a supposed typo for one of the groups. i believe that typo was consistent since our team retreat acutally. The was an extra name on the roster by the name of Alexis. We all made jokes and brushed it off because a the name similarity it possessed with one of the present girls on the team. In the back of my mind, I always thought that she was supposed to be the fifteenth person on our team. Oddly this is how I imagined her.....Okay, back to the story

Everything was going smoothly until Alexis(Melissa McCarthy,who was on the bigger side) had gotten into a fit, she was sloppy drunk for an unknown reason and on this eating rampage all over the building. The place this part of the retreat was being taken place in was fairly large with pillars and everything. This super fit she was having had no end in sight as other members of the team were trying calm her down. The other MC and I were doing our best to stay on topic and keep all the individuals in attendance focused. Then, the expected fat joke happened and the other fell silent. I fell silent for a matter of like three to four seconds, which felt like an eternity, and then I quickly made a comment saying,"That wasn't a joke people." I called for the other MC to make one, he did, and then some laughed because it was not funny and others did not get it. I then said that it was a joke people(inside joke), but then someone made a smart!@# joke about our friends weight and state. That is what set it off with everybody, we lost control of the majority. More than a few were still seated....just enough for the crowd to be at  least two shades from a prison riot. I was looking around to see where most of this commotion had been coming from then, I look over to where they were still trying to help our friend who still was in a hulk like state out of the room and I see this person antagonizing the situation and ridiculing our friend like there was no tomorrow. I proceeded to almost sprint over to where this child of person was and confront him. As I got closer and closer to the person I saw the resemblance of myself, as if it had been me who had been doing all this, but once I arrived in the child's face I realized it was not me. It was this scrawny, light-skinned bastard with a short afro, wide wrinkled nose, and a cussing shell necklace around his neck. I snapped! I told the child that I am sure was seventeen or eighteen with my hand around his neck saying "I will end you, take you to the back of my yard, and  I will take your eyes of their sockets still attached to the part that lets you see and make you watch as I dismember you limb from limb....." I raised him up and pinned him against one of the pillars cracking it as the crowd fell silent....

Then I ended up what appeared to be a Walmart store, but it was all setup in an odd way. I could still remember at that point what had happened in the previous scene. So, I m standing there in the Walmart and I just take off running aimlessly. I arrived at where the headphones and other electronics were. I stopped in front of the monster headphones and quickly put them on. Nothing was playing I just had them on listening to silence somewhat afraid of what happened. I looked up and saw around the corner of the next aisle a dear Asian friend of mine with hurt back turn away from me focused on something that is on the self in front of hurt. I could not make out what it what I could just see that she was focused on it, whatever it had been. As I am trying decipher the object on the shelf, I feel a stroke of pain other than my own that I had been feeling. Grabbing my chest I look up and see her with her arms crossed. The pain keeps growing stronger and deeper. Looking down at my blurry  hand now gripping my chest for life and praying. But I was not praying for this pain I had inside of me to go away, but my prayer was for my dear Asian friend's pain to be relieved, who as I slowly raised my head to see one more time before I completely fade away, was gone. Then a girl came out of nowhere and just as I was taking my last breath, she knocked those headphones right off off my head. After she had done that, I had snapped back to life like the crack of a whip on a slave to get back to work. I then followed her as she skipped around the corner of the enormous electronic section of the store. When I came around the corner I saw the girl who had saved me and another girl listening to music on the next aisle. I stared at the girl who saved me and asked her "why?" and "how?". All she did was look at me, smile, and plugged in her music player and played a song. Chills had gone all through my body when I heard it play and it was as if I had been given a high that was forever lasting, as if I were on my mountain top. I felt so alive when she played a dubstep version of  "I Can Feel Your Presence" by Mercy Me. It was amazing because knew not she was physically but, what she spiritually resembled, it was an awe-inspiring experience. I looked over across the main aisle in to apparel for unknown reasons and I saw a normal mother start to dance there and that made even happier. I soon left that area going in the opposite direction towards the other side of the store towards the exit for unknown reasons. I get to where I am walking out of the store and I do a double take to find nobody but "deddy" himself(my grandfather) coming around the oranges. I asked what was up and the same time noticing the items in his basket consisted of two extra large bags of pork rinds, a couple cans of cheeze-wiz, and an extra large bag of the off-brand cheese puffs he is always eating. I started walking with him and we came across this man who seemed in a hurry. My pawpaw knew him (pops knows everybody) and spoke to him about the item in his hand. This was a slender white male, had some scruff and over the hill, and had all white attire on like a painter complete with a hat. When my gramps had spoken to the man he rudely brushed him off. I hesitantly got angry for being so rude but I got over it when my granpaw was like that guy has got alot on his plate going back and forth between jobs on North Street(The main back road that runs through Pass Christian). That conversation was the end of that scene like they were hollering "cut" on a movie set.

Crazy Right? And those scenes were not even the most peculiar haha


 So the scene comes into focus and it appears that I am sitting down not chained or anything inside of an older mini trailer. There is a white man in front of me and everything is in black and white.There is a desk I am sitting at and a projector screen behind it. The strange thing is that I felt comfortable sitting in that wooden rolling chair. Then i began to speak about a story as the man behind the desk in a military uniform with pointing stick begins to pace from wall to wall. As I begin the story, it starts to play clearly for me on the projector screen.
    There were two people driving in an Oldsmobile type car up a road lined with trees and acres of land and have been on the road for about a day and a half now going through the back country roads of Georgia. As they were driving they would maybe one or two homes every couple of miles. The driver and the passenger make small talk every couple miles as well. The passenger see the end of the road and a road before that abruptly takes off to the right. The passenger(played by Mick Dodge) starts to ask questions about the end of this road and where the other leads to. The mysterious driver answers all of the passengers questions with hesitation. The driver began to to speak about what happened around the area they were in, talking about how there were only cannibals and how he was a cannibal of sorts himself. He said that at the end of this road is a prison for those who were brought for purposes beyond him. As they got closer to the end of the road were the prison was located, the passenger failed to realized that they had passed to road before the end. The driver bgan to explain that he gets paid to bring stragglers and the homeless  in promise of food and shelter and all that biz. At this point the passenger is terrified and looks around now noticing how far that have gone pass this other road. And with no explanation of where the other road leads to the passenger jumps out of the car rolling into a ditch along the the start of the tree line and what seemed to be his undoing. At this point he realized that he cant ever let his guard down even for the seemingly genuine kindness of a stranger. The passenger takes of close to the tree line follows the alternate path being carefully aware of his surrounding constantly. The passenger continued on like this surviving with what he could find in the woods and in peoples abandoned and abandoned homes. The passenger continues down the road facing many battles within himself mentally and physically as well with those who find him snooping around there land.

This road that the passenger is on is not complete salvation there are many of those who are rabid cannibals who feast on anything and everything and those who are suspecting of  anyone on their land of being these rabid cannibals trying to kill the passenger.
Anyyy whooo

The story cuts to the passenger staking out a place get medical supplies and food the entire day. As the passenger his staking out this place he sees that this is a dangerous place from the get go. He spots cages that look as if they were meant for dogs and as he crept around closer for a better view, he sees that there are actual humans in these cages. There was what appeared to be heavily wounded middle aged man lying there with one leg and part his lower torso over his rib cage. There were flies and all types of bugs crawling over and through him. Next to him is a young boy about seventeen or so trying to fiercly breakout before whoever own the place comes back for more. The boy has many cuts and scares on him, I am guessing from trying to breakout of his cage. Finally there was the little girl, about five years old or so and she was balling her eyes out as steadily. The passenger crept aruond the piece of property even more only to find that right infront of the residence there was a man leaning in his chair with his dog next to him. The man was older with a scruffy bald head that led into a culdesac of dirty gray hairs that extended down right above his shoulders. His overalls were faded blue and filthy. The man had on the rotten wooden table a shotgun in which he had his hand on. His legs was in a nervous pat on the ground with the calm face of the character slingblade. Next to him on the ground was his dog long vicious and ripping to shreds what looks to be the middle aged man's piece of missing torso and the bone of the man's leg. The passenger felt that he could save those kids, that he had to save those kids. He sat there concealed by the tree decisively and quickly coming up with a plan to save the children. Once he had gotten his plan together, treading very cautiously, he ventured on to the property toward where the cages were located. As he crept closer and closer, he constantly checks to see if the man is still seated by his dog. He finally makes it to the cages but has lost a complete sight of the old man. So then the passenger goes into a panic and pulls out a old and rusted knife he had out of his pack and started to fiercely cut the wire. As the passenger is halfway done cutting through the boys cage, a large shadow is cast over the passenger from behind. At first the passenger doesn't know it until he looks up and sees the boys face only to discover that he is in a petrified state. As soon as he sees the boys face, the passenger blinks is eyes almost in slow motion and turns to take off running. He was not fast enough, as the old man who was casting the large shadow had his shotgun pointed at the passenger already, and the old man shot him in the the back of his right calf. The passenger continues to run as fast as he can focusing on the tree line and he makes it just past the tree line he hear another gunshot, he turns around and can see that the boy who had escaped and almost made it to the end of other side of the property had been shot in the back letting out a agonizing roar and the little girl(who turned out to be the boy's little sister) as well, killing both of them. Before the passenger could feel any remorse for the children, the dog was hot on his scent. The passenger takes off once again grasping his leg constantly checking to see how close the dog had gotten to him and then as he turned his head one more time he saw the dog lunging at him with all he's got. Before the passenger could try and dodge the dog had latched on to him with a gripped that seemed to match a great white. Then, the epic battle between the dog and the passenger ensues and proves to be a valiant effort on both sides. At the end of the battle both are sprawled out on the leafy ground smeared with blood. The dog had taken its last breath but, the passenger clinged on to his life with what little strength he had left at the moment while heavily wounded and bleeding out. The passenger looks up and around towards the sky and he sees that he is next to a tree, a peach tree. He does his best to curl up next to the roots of the tree rest up so that he can try to tend to his wounds a little better than he would be able to in his current state. As he closes eyes, unknowingly passing out from the bleeding out and all, a women comes to his.....and then as I was beginning to tell the next part of my story,  I was stopped by the man in the trailer telling me that story needs to be told to the world that we have to the willpower and technology to do so and for me to make it narotic, funny, and painful. I then woke up responding to the man "No, I will not make narotic, funny, and painful!" all loud in my house and everything with my mother asking me whom I was talking to. Embarrassed of course, I said no one. 

That was all in my dream so, no you know and I know that nothing, there no pint to the story unless you count that everyone has some kind of other side to them whether it be dark or light, we just never know so live it up and do it for the kids while you still can. Thanks for your time...

Sex, Rugby, and Rock n' Money

    I know that life is not one big cussing Burger King and everything cant go my way or anybody's  way, but Geez come on..really somethings just gotta shake a lil something for me you know? Somethings that happen are just unreal and it'll be the small things one day and the next the world blows up, but its whatever really, I shall get the cuss over it.

    As a guy I am very succumb to the task of having sex. It is apart of my genetic makeup to cussing crave it like a fresh doughnut at Krispy Kreme when the light is flashing bright red. I am by know mean knocking sex at all but the crap gets old when its pointless it seems like. These girls that I am having sex with seems retarded and sometimes numb just to get a fix and I'm sure once I leave this coast and venture to other unexplored areas of the world I will have plenty of sex that means nothing but I will enjoy it. These females down here are just tired and boring, I am just just ready to move the cuss on and be the cuss out this place I guess. Just last night I was talking to one of the girls I'm talking to and I dunno I just had no desire to do anything except chill out at the crib and what not. She wants to hook up tonight before she leaves to go back to school but I'm not feeling so it wont happen because its almost like I'm bored with her. I know that sounds harsh but its more of a general thing with all the "friends with benefits" that I am involved with. I want it to have passion and all that with someone who at least have mild desire for or someone who could crash my party anytime ha. I mean I do  have people like that in my life but I don't want them to be another booty call when I'm craving it. 

    So I play the awesome sport of Rugby. I play with a Men's League here on the coast. I play but not with the dedication as some of the others that are apart of the club. I have the Will of Fire inside of me and its burning for this sport more that when I was playing football in high school. It just isn't burning as bright as our captains. I feel like I can only attain where I want to be in this sport by fully dedicating myself by making this sport one of my top priorities along with other things. I need to work on that decide on whats important and I know for a fact that this sport is one of those things. I believe that I can dedicate myself to this wholeheartedly. This ties into my next topic being that SKRILLA!!

   I wish we could just go back trading two chickens and a goat for something a person really wants. I know that is illogical with all the crap going on but its a nice thought. This is what runs my life at the moment that mother cussing money. I love it but this cuss is taking alot outta me, ya know, its almost like when you fall in love in high school with a girl/guy that doesn't feel the same way about you and the thought of y'all together is nonexistent. Money is that amazing female/male that you still got feeling trapped inside that wont go the hell away ha ha. Being just friends is better than not knowing money at all, you digg? Its an amazing feeling when you're around money but when that money go away, you cant do nothing and barely fend for yourself. I hate money controls the things we do in life. The things that I want to do but cant do and the cuss I want to make happen all come back tot he fact of me not having money and me having money. I know that was a lil confusing but I'm sure you get the basic idea. I know when I get money its like my first time seeing the cuss and I go crazy not knowing what I wanted it for in the cussing first place. But its always a battle I think with every person to spend that money on the proper things...the essentials. My priorities become cloudy every time I get paid, debating between things that I need and the cuss that I want. As I get closer to my leave date for the military, I can feel myself growing up, be less wasteful, and being my responsible and aware with money life and the things I encounter. I can realize my goals and see far enough in front of me to take the next step to the mountain top. 

Remember readers don't forget to do It For The Kids and thanks for your time.

The Very Next Day

     Time is not always on your side especially when you have nothing to fill it with. Of course a person start to fill the empty time with the best intentions of productivity, but it almost always turns into something the exact opposite of what you set out to accomplish. This cuss is ridiculous and I'm so cussing tired of being tired of not having anything to do with my free time except something that is not positive with my abilities that i possess. No, I'm not a superhuman or anything to that effect....at least not to my knowledge. I think that we all have some kind of superhuman talent of some sort, like I swear i'll have a dream that holds random events it seems like but whether it be the very next day, next week, or sometime down the road...whatever happens in one of those random clear cuss scenes that i have almost every night happens without fault. I'm not saying Im some type of clairvoyant but this aint the matrix you Digg. Actually, that made no sense but the point was I like to believe that I have some kind of sixth sense to some effect but what do I know...except THE FUTURE that is...nah just kidding. 

Anyway,  I was rambling ,um where was I? Ah, I was talking about being tired of being sick and tired, but who is not, right? 

       I know change is all about will power and having close friends or loved ones around to help you or some crap like that..but I don't care for all that help. I like to rely on myself that when I accomplish my goals, I can say that I did it on my own with no help. Being raised from birth to my 20th birthday fully relying on my mother is the exception. I want success to claim my own when I make it out on the other side of the tunnel, you digg? I haven't unlock or un suppressed my full potential but i know for sure what I am capable of at this moment. 

      I came up with the plan like my mother taught me. She told me preparation was to key to any success whether it be small or a larger one. i believe and I came with an organized plan and I have found several points of motivation. Those motivation points include things such as proving I am not a failure, take care of those who took care of me, and 1 or 2 females.....obviously.

      I am keeping a detail record of the things I do so while in this transitional phase of my life I can tweak the smaller things that I consider to be my faults. This way when I get to where I need to be then Ill be ready for anything. I firmly believe people can change no matter how long it take if you believe enough in something you can change. I believe in God and myself and I'm ready to change For The Kids.......Thanks for your time

VISION

I could tell you what vision is but i wont cause you're on a computer dummy. 

DISCLAIMER: EXCUSE THE TYPING I JUST DON'T CARE

Im in love...I am in love with the idea of what i can imagine myself doing in the future. It sometimes just baffles me with some of the things i could see myself doing with my life. Knowing what I am capable of is amazing, but taking twenty years to discovered that i am the only thing or person that is holding me back is not at all. I know it took me so long because i did not want to believe that it was me. somewhere in the mess i call a mind i knew that was me. I to live and I want to live like only i can and only i can imagine. 

I know my faults when it comes to holding myself back from accomplishing what i want. Not giving a flying cuss for alot of things and being lazy when something does not directly concern me are two specifically. Im tryna work on that. 

I have maybe several different lifestyle paths that I want to venture down and my carelessness for everything but what is important has narrowed my options. So i became realistic and put all my rotel dip on one chip except for little bit to eat with my fork you dig? I am leaving for the US Navy boot camp in 2 months to begin full pursuit of my dream to be a DEA agent or best case scenario I become secret government agent and i save the mother cussing world. 

That pursuit begins with me settling down from all the partying i do all the thing that come with that. Ill go out but i wont wild the cuss out like in past experiences. I will make these 2 months count by studying the information i need and I will become in shape enough to pass my physical fitness test there so that I can level up in ranks and get the extra couple hundred bucks that comes with that you dig? Yall think I look good now, and in 2 months imma look even better, but cuss when i get out of this boot camp I will be looking like the black captain America...these females wont stand a chance but that is just a perk of what this experience will do for me. I will getting paid to stay in shape, ill be easing my way into my dream job, ill be getting paid to travel the world, I will be gaining the skills I need to survive on my own whether it be in some wilderness or in a home with a family, and most important of all ill be GETTING PAID!!!

If you are reading this thank you for time and Ill talk with you next time on...say it with me now "Do It For The Kids"