Caught Up, I Guess...

We have all been caught, right? I would thinks so, we have all been caught doing something or even doing nothing. I know have been caught a enough times to put an end to my criminal career. 

I don't know where I'm going with this so bare with me...

The feeling of being caught in the act  of doing whatever is frightening enough for us to jump when we have been caught or have some kind of dumb look on our faces. People react differently to being caught as well. It really is intriguing when you see all the peoples reactions to being caught. A person could be caught doing to simplest thing and overreact. A person could even catch oneself. 

My mother has caught me so many times it's ridiculous. It's bad because I knew I would be caught before she even actually caught me doing what doing. Each time I was caught by anybody doing something I thought I would grow from that and become less careless, negative. I'm catching myself up in things and I'm watching as if I were watching a slow motion scene in a movie. I see myself doing things I'm not supposed to be doing and and doing nothing at all. And I still have that "oh shit" feeling. It's crazy, I'm telling you. But that "oh shit" feeling is almost like a rush like I wanted to be caught by someone or even myself. It's like a challenge to see if I the skills that can change the outcome. Haha I'm never able to though....maybe I should stop looking for trouble...

I really thought I was going somewhere with this post but I guess not haha

Nacho Cheese

Probably should've fell into the same color of paint to compliment these empty walls

Probably should've done alotta things but through the open spaces all my plans fall

Keep Hope Alive I Am Somebody because I know that I am 

Gotta embrace my stage name to inherit the fame cause even at one point Dr. Suess was the homie who by Sam

Yes what a classic to make remember every line of your song 

I actually care more about you and what you're about rather than trying to remove your thong 

And I know you got love for me but it feels like you're scared to try a new color of paint 

I know once you recognize the detail and effort the realization will make you faint

It'll make you swoon

Cause the dance your doing is to a different one

Eventually the replay of it and the stroke will make you moan

Sad because it won't be as satisfying as your uncontrollable laughter 

Cheesy as it maybe 

I'll forever choose you as my lady...

(Keep Hope Alive You Are Somebody)...

Nonsense

I'm sure you won't see me until it is too late... I mean yea I know we see one another just about everyday but I know you don't see me, you can't, no one will be ever to see me clearly. I would like to believe all of the positive possibilities for us but that seems selfish because I know that I can't have it all. I have come to the realization that I have to take what I can get with you because I would hate to lose all together and I feel as though you know this. I feel as though you know I am in love with, deeply, and no matter who's heart or whatever gets broken, I will be there for you. I understand you may not want to hurt me because  you think you are a certain way or whatever your excuse but then all you have there is an excuse and a weak ass one at that. We both know that shit is wack. If you saw me like you think you do, you would know heartbreak is something I or anybody who has felt this way for another is worth the risk. It's not the first time. We are both grown ass individuals so you and I know how something like this could turn out and all the obstacles that would come with us being together, especially with what we do and who with. It seems as though you have you want something that is t worth your energy, something that when it goes sour after  2 minutes you can have this grand epiphany about how this always happens and how you knew what it was from the jump. Yeah, how about next or any fucking time, you look for what's good, real, right beside you in your apparent blindspot. Cause believe I'll be here like a clown waiting on you, passing on that little bullshit that comes my way because I'm all in as I've always with these kinds of matters. And it's not like this happens all the damn time haha its the second time...ever. I'm supposed to talk to you and when I work enough "courage" to do so, you acknowledge I've said something and that you've heard me say something but won't listen. Shits so dumb it's hilarious. I know we can't choose whether we get hurt or not in this world...but we do have someday in who hurts us. I know that from that dumbass movie. That doesn't make it any less true. I chosen my heartbreak, if it comes to that, and I'm beyond satisfied with my decision. It was you from the day we first met that day at me and my boys had our BBQ when that accident happened on the interstate and you took off with an empty plate across that field. I told him that you were it and he told me that you were annoying and to leave it alone I could do better. I knew I was in love with you in that moment...you being a goober, you being so motivated and passionate about everything, being so beautiful even with your chopped off hair haha...and that was just when we first met. So it's understandable that my reasons for these feelings and shit have grown deeper with each day. Forgive me for falling to early...

Haha so cheesy!!!

That maybe but it's true and maybe one day you'll figure it out. Sooner than later, I hope :)

KHAYAS...

The Other Night...

  It's interesting really, how one could just partake in something because of boredom. That didn't make any sense haha. So this is my day to day and my thoughts on it as per Linda's instruction. 

  So I woke up today feeling nothing at all except maybe, why am I up at this hour? It's been hard trying to get a set sleep schedule between work, trying to be socially accommodating, and being any kind of productive. The last time I talked with my mother it consisted of her grilling me  out the usual items about who I'm with, who I'm sleeping with, how do you spend your money so fast, and why I'm upset. It annoying really. It is because I'm with no one, I'm not around anymore, I have a couple dollars left, and I'm not upset at all. I don't want to worry or to be in my business, so what I said is true as far as she is concerned. So it's whatever...

  As I'm getting ready for work, I look around my room at how dirty the carpet is because of all the spilled liquids and crumbs. No matter how much I clean, my room will never good enough because of the damn carpet and my bum ass roommate. It's seems like all he does is come back from work, make a mess, sleep, and the occasional video game playing session. He tries to help out every now and then, but his efforts are futile. It's a drag. So I continue to prepare myself for shift with a cup of joe and a new album from J. Cole trying not to focus on the dirty floor in the room. When I do leave for shift, I always forget something from the uniform. It never seems to fail. Maybe it is like a subconscious type deal to where I want to see what my roommate starts to do after I leave the room and he's there alone, or maybe I am just getting old. I'm only 21. 

  A habit of mine to is to show up ridiculously early for work and I'm saying like an hour or so before everyone else gets there. There are possible explanations for this but, for another time. Today I showed up to the area where our guard mount is held around 1456ish and sat in my usual spot. I was then accompanied by a good friend of mine Erykah Badu, haha. I met Erykah back in A school when she was on crutches while making fun of her. It was strange how quick we became friends through insults. Actually that is how I think I have most of my friends. Well, she has a man who is gets pretty jealous when we are together or so she tells me. I would be jealous to if my girl had a really good guy friend. A guy could widely speculate just as much as if it were the other way around with a female. I'll probably keep my distance from because I wouldn't want to do anything to fuck that up for her or even him. Anyway, we were chatting it up about the latest gossip within the sections and about whatever is going on in our lives. As the time comes for me to go arm up, I check the watch bill and see Im not where I want and realizing it could be worse. I then immediately look for other people on the watch bill to see how close we are. I then do my vehicle inspection routine and go try round up the crew headed to our assigned post. In this moment I'm looking for people to see if they see me as I see them or some shit like that. We all load up and get on our way to post experiencing some of the worst drivers known to this earth and whoever I'm with seems to always point out the the flaws in this country. I'm fine with that because I do it and it makes me realize how grateful I am to be able be born where I was and not live in a place such as this. 

This is longer than expected.

I pull up on the station where we are posted to find the other crew itching to get relieved so that they can get some rest or whatever it is they do in their off time. Every shift starts and ends the same way, come to work immediately anticipating the end of shift. We count each minute, each window on a building, each person coming through, and so on. It gets rough standing out post, which seems like hours on end. At certain points in the night, one goes into deep thought about the obvious things in their life and how to fix them without even trying. It's amazing really. All of a sudden it's the end of shift and the rush to get back into bed, or to the gym, or to the food line begins. We take care of what needs to be taken care of right after work or we put it off until later because who cares because we rule our own lives as adults and when that's done we die or repeat. 

IDFWU

It sucks you know
Things I would say that need to be said
But wait too long for heartbreak then find myself becoming well read
Drowning in songs of love and personal vendettas
Someone else always being a step ahead with the answers that split us
Both becoming a faint thought in the back of one another's closet
A missed connection. Oh well, the loser has to turn those feelings off as if they were flowing water from faucet
Trying to make excuses as to why what could have been isn't
And how quick such a situation can cause distance
So depressing...not really because shit like this happens all the time right
Cause no one in the end really cares about anything as another cup is poured...right
I know I don't anymore haha
Cheers

So Simple...

  Memories whether good or bad can be brought back by the slightest thing. Something so simple can send you back like a time machine and remind you of a time in your past as if you were there again. It cold be in the middle of a conversation and that person that you are speaking with says something in a certain way. The faintest of smells might catch your attention such as the smell of salt coming off the water or the distant hint of smoke from a cigarette.
  Standing watching on a post alone with no sign of relief in sight, can put in you in a sort of dazed kind of state and once you have been captured by that nostalgic moment in time because of a faint scent or chill of the breeze on your face, one begins to drift in to deep thought about all the detail of that memory. If that makes any sense, I doubt it. Don't trip...I barely graduated high school with a 3.6 haha.
  Anyways...As I was standing watch I caught one of those simple triggers that would send anyone back to scenes from the past. This memory consisted of my father lighting one of his Newport cigarettes driving us to the barbershop early on a Saturday morning. I could feel the bass from the speakers on my legs and back in that white Chevrolet truck and the brisk wind against my face piercing through the opening in the window. I can taste the Mickey Ds breakfast and rubbing my oh so tired eyes. I hate this memory and then again I can appreciate it.
  All of the brief memories I have of me and my father spending any kind of time with one another have not left my mind. I don't want them to leave honestly, not because I want to go back and relive them because they ended with some form of pain and ignorance. Fuck that noise....Those memories are just a constant reminder of what kind of father I want to be and what kind of father I don't need to be. I don want to be just a brief moment in my child's life, "mistake" or not. I can say all these things about how I will be a better everything and this or that but I doubt.....Nah that doubt is dumb kid. Of course I am going to be a better everything. A main reason for that is honestly because I don't want my moms to beat my ass......True Story.

A lone wolf's struggle...

So in this post you should figure out if you haven't already is that I'm somewhat crazy but it's whatever I don't care. 

Okay so I talk to myself like anyone would and I agree and disagree with myself on things about decision and plans amongst other things. It's not like I'm a psycho or something but it's whatever. I believe there is a another part of me that coincides with the other like the story of the old man that told the story of the two wolves fighting for the warrior's soul or whatever to his son, except with me it's not just two wolves, it's a whole pack of wolves and each one has there own personality. Sometime I just can't deal and other times I will feel adventurous and test the waters. I know I have a true self, if you will, but I haven't quite found the perfect or at least the best balance of the pack of wolves that I can. It makes me incredibly infuriated that I can or I will seemingly never in the near or further future find that balance in the pack I am looking for. It's hard for to realize sometimes that I am leaning to much on one wolf than I am the others acting out of character. Sometimes being as old as I am an as young as I am I know that finding myself and complaining about Eva ry thing walks on a tight rope capable of falling to either side whether that be a road I am meant for or not, but indeed falling nonetheless. So, I don't know what is going to happen. Maybe Ill be crazy forever and end up alone in my own little wolf pack or maybe I'll rise like a Phoenix, well balanced and triumphant. Who knows except the one who holds what life I have in his hands